From Victim to Survivor

Too often I remembered asking myself, when is this agony going to end? When is this tightening in my stomach going to cease? When will smiling become a normal expression for me again? When will I get a good night's sleep without wondering where he is, what he's doing, and who he's doing it with? Where did I leave "me" behind? God, can you help me find myself and my happiness again?

Don't be afraid to shed as many tears as you need to. Crying is therapeutic and can give you something to do while remembering why you're crying. For every tear, remember what your abuser has done to you because when you get over it, you'll remember how many tears it took for you to overcome the pain that they've caused. I cried almost everynight for nearly ten months. After a while, the consecutive daily tears turned into weekly, and then monthly, and then sporadic (depending on my thought frequency dealing with my batterer). If I began thinking about my batterer, I got to a point where I would catch myself, literally talk to myself and simply say NO Devil, and THANK YOU JESUS.

Get down on your knees and pray. Pray for him, for you, for your family, for your loved ones, for your enemies. Always, I mean always remember to thank God for lending his hand to you to help bring you out of this. Recite prayers from the bible and truly believe in them. Remember, there's no limit to how many times you can pray to God. No limit to what you can ask God. God doesn't work on your time, he works on his time, and his time is timeless. When I went through my situation, I recited prayers nearly 10 times a day. Whenever you feel like you're alone, and noone is supporting you, your friends have abandoned you, your parents don't understand or don't know what to do or how to communicate with you, you can literally talk to God and he will answer you. You just have to listen, close your eyes, get down on your knees, spark a conversation with him, and listen closely to what he tells you. You'll hear it in your mind, your heart, and your spirit.

Examine yourself. Ask yourself questions about your relationship with your abuser. Does it run parrallel to your relationship with God? Encourage yourself, like Daniel did. Tell yourself that you are a child of God and you deserve what God is trying to give you. You are beautiful inside and out and it's not your fault. The only fault is that you stayed and tried to change someone who could only change themselves. Tell yourself that you are significant in this world, if you weren't, you wouldn't be alive today.

In reference to the Tyler Perry Movie "Why did I get married" we are the 80% in the 80/20 rule. Know that a relationship will never be perfect, and you will never be perfect. But they left you for 20% of something that they lacked in you. Whether it be for another mate, for drugs, alcohol, or because they're in jail or on the run with a warrant for battery. But realistically, a perfect mate is one that can give 80% of NEED satisfaction to their mate and that's what you gave. The other 20% is something that they want and may find in someone else, but the fact of the matter is, they lost you, a majority of what they actually need in their life. Needs outweigh Wants anyday.

Write letters to God. Write poetry (even if you aren't so creative, do it anyway, it gives you something to focus on other than your situation). Write letters to your batterer (you may send them, but this should only last temporarily until you've vented all your thoughts and feelings to them). Once you've acquired strength, you may continue writing letters to your attacker, but rip them up. If all else fails, write a book or create a website, seriously! Transform what may seem like a curse into a blessing and use it to help others, you'll be amazed out how much it actually helps you to cope.

Discard of everything that reminds you of your batterer and your connection with them. Phone #'s, Pictures, Text messages, Do NOT listen to music for a while (songs are too relative to relationships). Do NOT allow family or friends to talk down about your batterer, ignore them or cut them off. They are not in your shoes and are not God, therefore can't pass judgment. They are passing negative spirits on to you and you need all the positive energy you can get. Though they may think they're helping you, and may mean well, they aren't helping you, they're hindering your progression. It will only remind you of your batterer and make you wonder why you weren't able to change them, especially if you were supposed to be the one that they "loved so much". YOU shouldn't talk bad about your batterer either. God says "Vengeance is mine!" Meaning, he will take care of all your battle's. In the words of Yolanda Adams, "The battle is not yours, it's the Lord's"

What was then your daily routine should be terminated. Brainstorm a list of things you would like to do for the entire day and commit to doing them everyday. I know it's hard when you're fighting other issues mentally, but just try it for a week. You've got nothing to lose.

I began my daily routing with praying, because most of the time I couldn't get out of bed. Once I got out of bed I would exercise in my room to Gospel and Inspirational music. I would do stretches and a technique that resembled Pilates. I would then write poetry and then go back to praying. I would read my bible for hours on hours and then pray again. Then I'd take a shower and read the bible and pray some more and then go to sleep.

My advisor happened to be my best-friend whose an ordained minister. Whoever you speak to, make sure they're neutral and not biased. You need an open-minded person whose not going to pass judgment on you or your batterer but is going to speak to you from a spiritual realm, only guiding you to where God wants you to be by encouraging your faith, helping you to maintainy hope, and renewing your heart and mind so that you can love again.

It can be challenging and frightening to open yourself back up to a significant other. Which is why I recommend you start off taking baby steps. Remember, everyone has to tread water before they can swim. Like a baby, this is a new life for you, a fresh start. I suggest online dating. Just putting your profle out there, maybe even your picture. You may want to see how many responses you get (definite self-esteem booster), talk back and forth to someone who shares similar interests, or just scope other people's profiles that will reassure you that everyone doesn't possess the same Negative qualities as your batterer. This will give you courage to one day get up, go out, and expose yourself in a social setting.

After he attacked me, it took me nearly a year to muster up the courage to go back out and embrace others who were interested in me without comparing them to my batterer. But I began with online dating and found that this method can be very helpful to a person whose scared to give someone else another chance because of someone else's mistakes.

Don't REBOUND, only date. Don't jump into another relationship, give it at least a year. You'll only begin comparing your batterer with the new person in your life. DON'T have sex (emotions get in the way, and you're already dealing with emotions that you haven't ironed out yet. Don't allow new emotions to further complicate matters that haven't been taken care of)

As long as you need. This may not be the answer you're looking for, but you will never COMPLETELY be over it. Everything in life happens for a reason, everything affects you in some way or the other and you were give a memory and tests, so that you may have faith in God that he will take care of all your dispositions. You won't ever completely be over it because God wants you to remember how far you've come when you get to the point of FORGIVENESS. The ability to not only forgive your batterer, but to forgive yourself. That's your ultimate goal, not getting over it completely, but Forgiving so that you can embrace your trials, knowing that they through God, they made you stronger and able to be more than you were. For every lesson learned is a blessing earned.

When you can freely talk about him with a genuine smile on your face because you're so thankful and happy with joy in your heart that God brought you out and put you in a better position than you were even before you met them. When you can talk about them with no emotions or feelings attached. You'l be able to uplift others and set them free by ministering your testimony to them. Your stomach no longer jumps or cringes at the thought of them or at the sound of their name. You no longer care whether or not you're with them or about what they're doing. It's almost as if they don't exist anymore to you. You can go a full day without them crossing your mind. When you are able to see windos open for you that you weren't able to see for a long time. Remember, when life closes a door, God ALWAYS opens a window.