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YOUNG SURVIVORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

What Stage of Domestic Violence are You?

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INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE
(Does this sound like your life?)
 
Below you will find excellent information in which I've gathered along the way from other websites and other information in which I've gathered through personal experience...
 
Intimate partner violence and abuse increases in frequency and severity over time. Below is a list of some domestic violence terms that are generally used to describe family violence and abuse.

Power: Ability to control by force or authority, denying basic rights, keeping the victim from having a private or personal life, controlling what she wears and how she wears it.

Physical Violence: Violence which may or may not result in an injury from beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping, holding against will, banging head, etc.

Stalking: Following you to various activities and places (grocery store, work, home, church) due to a lack of trust, intense jealousy, etc.

Using Male Dominance: Treating you like a maid and servant; they must make all the big decisions; they are the “master of the castle.”

Spiritual/Religious Abuse: Focusing on scriptures in the Bible pertaining to men being the leader of the family and misusing them to their advantage to control you...the man must take control, women must be submissive, and obey. Spiritual language: Timothy, Verse 2:11 “Women should learn in quietness and full submission.”

Sexual Abuse: Batterer makes you do bizarre sexual acts against your will to prove your faithfulness and love, treats you like a sex object, interrupts your sleep for sex, forced sex, physically attacks the sexual parts of your body.

Responsibility Abuse: Pressuring you to take responsibility for everything, (e.g. bills, caring for children, entertainment, holidays, house repairs, etc).

Using Children: Using children to relay messages, uses visitation with children as an opportunity to harrass you, uses child support as leverage for their demands.

Isolation: Controlling who you see, where you go, listens in on your phone calls, keeps you away from your family and friends, wants you to be available to them at all times; you must carry a pager or cell phone, you can have no outside interests, you cannot touch the mail, deprives you of any support system.

The Silent Treatment: Using silence as a weapon, control, a way of intimidation, isolating themselves from you, you are fearful of them since they will not talk and share their feelings.

Property Violence: Punching walls, smashing things, destroying your property, breaking their own personal items, throwing property at you, causing destruction to your car so you can’t drive.

Intimidation: Making you fearful by using facial expressions/looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, clenching fists, cursing, and continuously arguing.

Economic Abuse: Does not want you to work, keeps you from getting or keeping a job, makes you ask them for money, you have to account for every penny, gives you an allowance, takes the money you earn, sabotages your plans to make or get money.

Threats: Says things to scare you so you will comply with what they want, they threaten to end the relationship, do something to you emotionally or physically, threatens your life, says they will take your children away, they will commit suicide, report you to the authorities for some reason, take away financial support, forces you to break the law.

Verbal Abuse/Verbal Violence: Name-calling, yelling, insults, being sarcastic, threatening violence to you and/or your children.

Emotional Abuse: Put downs, name calling, belittling, insults, blowing money on drugs or alcohol, coming home drunk/high, intense jealousy, withholding sex, criticizing your looks, insulting your friends, manipulating with lies, making accusations regarding love affairs, “saying no one else would have you.” The batterer does not want you to keep a job, they drives recklessly to scare you, keeps you from going to work/school, threatens divorce, laughs at you all the time, ignores you, uses mind games, makes you think you're crazy, deprives you of physical needs (food, sleep, decent place to live), threatens physical violence and retaliation.

Pet Abuse: Harms, neglects, kills, or threatens to hurt the animals that you and/or your children love.
 
STAGES OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

1st Stage: Gateway behavior: This may be your first exposure to your batterer’s violence and abuse.

  • Isolation
  • Intimidation
  • Spiritual Abuse
  • Silent Treatment
  • Economic Abuse
  • Denying Your Basic Rights
  • Treating You Like a Servant
  • Pushing and Shoving with No Injuries
  • Making You Responsible for Everything

2nd Stage: Your health and safety are in jeopardy and you must seriously consider leaving your batterer.

  • Pet Abuse
  • Stalking You
  • Harassing You
  • Property Abuse
  • Emotional Abuse
  • They Lies Constantly
  • They are Always Angry
  • They Threaten Suicide
  • Drug & Alcohol Abuse
  • Extremely Possessive of You
  • Threatens You and/or the Children
  • Abuses or Neglects the Children
  • They are Unpredictable: Inappropriate Behavior
  • Psychiatric Problems Linked to Violence & Abuse
  • They use the Children to Gain Power and Control Over You

3rd Stage: You must leave immediately.

  • Sexual Abuse
  • Weapons Used
  • Mutual Violence
  • Restraining Orders Filed
  • Violence to you or your loved ones
  • Injuries to the you or Children (accidental or not)
  • Any Acts of Physical Violence (injuries or no injuries)
 
I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT CAN BE TO PUT YOUR LOVED ONE IN JAIL/PRISON.  SHOULD YOU EVER MUSTER UP THE COURAGE TO PUT THEM BEHIND BARS, HERE'S SOME ADVICE...
Your batterer should not reside or have contact with you and/or children.
You should request a Restraining Order from the court to help ensure that your batterer stays away. If they are on probation or parole, you should contact the probation/parole agent and request that a special condition of “no contact” be enforced by their agency. If you have no intention of ever reuniting with your batterer, the restraining order can continue for many years. It is their responsibility to demonstrate they are safe to be around by clear and specific behavior changes. By staying away from you, they have a chance to implement and practice the methods and techniques learned in the treatment program. Although they are outside their normal environment, the techniques they practice and learn are recommended in every anger-provoking situation. If you want contact, you should only consider it after your batterer has completed a domestic violence treatment program. Some states mandate batterers to successfully complete 52 weeks of counseling/treatment/domestic violence prevention. 

AFTER YOUR BATTERER IS RELEASED FROM JAIL/PRISON
When your batterer is released from jail or prison, they should have no contact with you and/or your children for at least six to twelve months. The amount of time they should stay away may depend on the type of intimate partner violence and abuse they have committed. If you request their return, the following time restraints are recommended:

No Contact for 52 Weeks/1 Year and Completion of the Batterers Prevention Program

  • Mutual Violence
  • Psychiatric Problems
  • Restraining Orders Filed
  • Drug & Alcohol Addiction
  • Sexual Assaults and Abuse
  • History of Emotional Abuse
  • Any Acts of Physical Violence
  • Prior Arrests for Domestic Violence
  • Hospitalization of you and/or Children
  • History of Assaults, Violence, and Abuses
  • They Cause Injuries/Abuse to you and/or Children
  • Violence to Any of your Loved Ones
  • Injuries Observed but the You Did Not Want Medical Attention
  • Prior Domestic Violence Reports Taken by Police With No Arrests

No Contact For A Minimum of 26 Weeks/6 Months

  • Isolation
  • Pet Abuse
  • No Injuries
  • Economic Abuse
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Responsibility Abuse
  • Spiritual/Religious Abuse
  • Minor Pushing or Shoving
  • Using Children to Manipulate
  • Stalking Without Confrontation
  • Property Abuse In & Outside the Home
  • Some Forms of Threatening, Harassing, and Intimidation

SHOULD I GIVE IT ANOTHER GO?
One of the most important steps is for you and your batterer to make a commitment to refrain from residing together and having any contact. This separation provides the you both time away from each other to reflect on your destructive relationship. They now have a chance to develop strategies to ensure the elimination of the violent and abusive behaviors, and to build self-esteem. Although the batterer may have spent time in jail or prison, the real treatment process usually does not begin until he is released back into the community. He may have decided or he may have been mandated by the court, probation, or parole to stay away from the victim. During this separation each party has an opportunity to successfully complete a domestic violence treatment program, and at a later date if desired by the victim reunite in a healthier relationship.

If the victim and batterer continue to reside together or have contact after his release from jail/prison, the victim should immediately seek some type of domestic violence treatment. It is recommended that the victim attend a community victims group, and individual/group counseling. If the batterer and victim are in treatment, they may share coping strategies and anger management techniques they both learned in treatment. Although immediate contact is not recommended, having both adults in treatment may reduce the chances of them having another incident of violence and abuse
LISTED ARE REASONS WHY THE BATTERER SHOULD NOT RETURN HOME UNTIL AFTER THE TREATMENT

1. Batterers must learn how to stop family violence and abuse first.

2. It may take many months or years to unlearn violent and abusive behavior.

3. The batterer may have continued his drug and alcohol use and abuse.

4. After the batterer is released from jail or prison, his self-esteem is usually low but his expectations are high. Not being able to achieve his expectations may result in a return to family violence and abuse.

5. Allowing the batterer to return to the same family environment may lead him to believe it is ok to return to his same violent and abusive behaviors.

6. The victim may not have participated in treatment (counseling, victims groups) and may have unresolved anger, rage, and resentment for the batterer. The victim may express these feelings to the batterer. Without successfully completing treatment, the batterer may then relapse into family violence and abuse once again.

7. The batterer may feel that the victim is now in a position of total power and control over him. The batterer may attempt to take back some of the power and control through abusive behaviors and violence.

8. Having the batterer build self-esteem apart from

the victim helps him focus on improving his behaviors, ultimately helping both individuals respect each other more if they ever reunite.

9. Children who witness the violence/abuse may be afraid of the batterer returning to the home. The victim may be too afraid or not know how to protect the children from future episodes of his violence/abuse.

10. The children may not want the batterer to return to the family and may be afraid to express their feelings. They may begin to express these feelings and emotions by acting out inappropriately; they may develop mental health problems.

11. After being released from jail or prison the batterer and victim may be in the remorse stage and may not have been given enough time to develop the skill of breaking their cycle of family violence and abuse.

12. The victim may be desperate (low-esteem, no resources) and would rather risk being in a violent/abusive relationship than being alone and facing the fear of the future.

13. Couples counseling is recommended only after the batterer has successfully completed a domestic violence prevention program. Only then does he have the tools needed to help work on relationship issues. Thought provoking questions are posed, for example, If your daughter or sister were involved in domestic violence, would you recommend that she return to the batterer before his treatment has been successfully completed?

It is recommended that children who witness physical or emotional abuse be referred to a mental health professional for counseling. In this setting, the child will be encouraged to express his/her pain and fears concerning the family violence and abuse. Victims are encouraged to participate in family counseling with their children. Child Protective Service Agencies request that children who are abused and who witness family violence/abuse be referred to their agency. Batterers who have visiting privileges with their children will be encouraged to participate in family counseling if possible. A mental health professional can provide the appropriate format and setting which is less threatening for the child. This may help the child deal with his/her confusion surrounding the separation of the batterer from the home. If this is not possible, the batterer should express his remorse to the child concerning the incident (depending on the child’s age). Child-related issues/topics should also be discussed in the batterer’s prevention program.

Statistics indicate that children who see violence in the home can be affected in the same way as children who are sexually or physically abused. These children are more likely to grow up to be batterers/abusers or victims. All visitations by the batterer should be referred to agencies that monitor and supervise visits between separated and divorced parents. There are family visitation centers set up in many cities and counties throughout the nation.

Before you decide to give the relationship another chance, ask yourself this question...

Do I want my batterer back in my life because I'm afraid of how it will feel being without them? If you answered yes to this question, you're not in love with your batterer, you're in love with a habit.  I'll prove it to you, now answer the next question... 

If another person came along that looked exactly like my batterer, sounded like my batterer, possessed the same positive qualities as my batterer, treated me kindly, truly loved me, and did NOT ABUSE me, who would I rather be with?  If you chose the person that looks like your batterer, this proves without a doubt that you don't want your significant other, you want the comfort.

Often times in life, we are afraid of breaking bad habits (like drug-addiction) because we don't want to experience the withdrawals.  When we go through withdrawals, it seems as if we'll never get through them.  Withdrawals are a test of our faith in God. 

God has a way of making footstools out of your enemies. Meaning, he will use your enemies to bring you out of what my preacher refers to as "The Wilderness".  The wilderness is your comfort zone that is holding you back from progressing in life and receiving all the blessings that God has in store for you.

Do you tend to question why you're in the position you're in?  Do you have this gut feeling that you're supposed to be somewhere other than where you are? Do you many times get the instinct that you should be experiencing something bigger and better?  That you're settling for less? That's called the Holy Spirit  

To have faith in God is to be patient and courageous.  As we all know, the withdrawals don't last long.  He that is within me is stronger than that which is in the world.  I guarantee you, once you put your life COMPLETELY in God's hands, there's no way you can't come out on top and he will bless you with more than you've ever imagined! God said try me and see will I not open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing to the likes of which you will have not room enough to receive.

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